A Weary Weekend, A Basement Cleaned

The place was TRASHED. There is no other way to describe it. From one wall to the next, there were toys and pieces of toys literally everywhere. We could not walk through freely and the kids had begun to take over other parts of the house in their search for a place to play. Our basement was out of control.

I am a woman who likes things neat. I think I can handle some clutter and I certainly do not walk around with cleaning products in my pocket but I like my house to be neat. The truth is that each day my four sweet children traipse off to school and I want to feel like there is a place where I can relax and not be overwhelmed by whatever it is they have left behind. And truly, it seems like a reasonable request. Pick up what is yours and I will do the same. If we all do this, the house will be clean, right?

I wish.

Here is the reality...

-My garage is half full of things we have not had time to unpack... in years...

-Some days... okay, most days... my kids' rooms are cleaner than mine. After working to clean common areas, the last thing I want to do is clean another bedroom.

-Keeping the living room, family room and dining room neat often feels like all I can do in a day.

-And in terms of the basement, we gave up. We gave up on that area and it took on a life of it's own. It was using that life to hold us hostage... from having kids over to play or friends over to visit.

So this weekend, we reclaimed our home and dared to dream about what it could become if we managed it instead of the other way around. We all had a three-day weekend and so we chose to hold our kids accountable to their mess and draw a line in the sand. The basement had to get done.

Immediately, we were bombarded with parent-guilt about this crazy use of time. Shouldn't we be doing something fun? Don't we owe our children some fantastic experience with the extra time we all had off? Surely we can't make THEM clean it all?

And then we came to our senses. They made the mess. They did. I never went down those basement stairs and dumped containers of creative toys willy-nilly all over the floor! I never popped some doll's head and arms off or left Legos laying about.

I did, however, work with my husband to choose a house that fit our needs. I did, however, buy said house and move into with my crazy kids. So, when did I decide that it didn't matter what happened to that space? When did we actually give up and allow children to be children and have say over a fifth of our home?

I have no idea when that happened... but it did. Yep, we gave up and gave in and in doing so, taught our children nothing. Nothing about responsibility. Nothing about accountability. Nothing about consequences.

So this weekend, we looked parent-guilt in the face and laughed out-loud. No fun trips. No hours of screen-time. No. Instead, we put on our grown-up pants and sent our kids to the basement to undo what they had done.

I probably should have taken before pics. Except I would never want to show them.

After three days of warning them that The Great Clean-up of 2011 was going to occur (during which no one even thought about getting a head start...), we began on Saturday morning. I think they thought we were kidding. In the past, we have helped them out. In the past, we have done it ourselves. But, it always ended with the basement a mess again. We knew we needed a new plan.

Now, I know you are thinking that either:

1. You would never let your basement become such a mess.

or

2. Your kids wouldn't clean it up.

But please understand, they did not go quietly into this work! No, they fought. They cried. They told us we had no right. They snuck up the stairs to get out of the work. They hid things under furniture. They worked lightly so others would have to work hard and they complained without ceasing for hours on end.

After each of the kids had left the basement way too many times (I need a drink. I need a snack. Elizabeth is not helping. Noah is being bossy. Josiah is playing, not working. Benjamin won't throw anything out.), we told them they would have to stay downstairs til we saw a significant change. This, they did not like.

It was horrible.


More crying. More carrying on. We were weary and frustrated, too.

Then, they had the guts to complain that we were not helping enough. Not a good move. We explained to them that the mess was theirs. That we had helped before. That this happens again and again. And then we went upstairs. The truth is, Mark and I had things to do. I had meals to plan and Mark had plumbing to tend to and the banister was broken and all of it had to be done. So, we left them to their mess and went on to what we had planned.

It was not fun.

By bedtime on Saturday, one third of the basement was like a wonderland of toys. The floor had been found and vacuumed, the dog took up residence in a nice, clear spot. My kids literally rolled around in the space they had cleared and all had smiles on their faces. Utopia... short-lived.

Mark and I called a family meeting. We used the newly cleaned area of the basement to gather our children around and tell them what they didn't want to know.

"You are not done."

We explained that Sunday was the Sabbath and so we would not be working on the basement on Sunday. Now Monday... that was a different tale.

:::Resume wailing and carrying on:::

One even said, "I cannot believe you are doing this to us. I had so looked forward to this weekend!"

(Sometimes, when my kids try to make me feel guilty, I am all the more determined to feel nothing of the sort. )

So Monday morning, they returned. And no one was happy and it was awful and I was tired and I hated the whole of it. Sometimes, being a grown-up is like that. Sometimes, being an adult and being a parent means I have to do what I don't want to do... because it is needful or because it is best. Or both.

We took a break for breakfast and we took a break for lunch. But, somewhere in the midst of it all, I think they began to understand that the basement was going to get clean and that they were going to do it. Somewhere between meals, I think they began to understand that the mess they were cleaning was theirs and that picking it up was not some cruel punishment but instead, a logical consequence. And so they cleaned.

We finally hit a point where we knew adult help would be needed. At that point, Mark and I stepped in to help. After hours and hours of working, there was actually a sense of gratitude when that decision was made and I was aware again that my children learn what I teach them. If everything is easy, if everything is taken care of on their behalf, there is no reason to be thankful because it's just the way it is. But, if they know that work is hard and they know that messes get cleaned and they know that getting it done takes time and effort... they come to appreciate a hand in a whole new way.

By dinner-time last night, our basement was under control. We still have things to work on. But, the space is usable. It is clear. It is inching toward organized. And my kids are THRILLED.

They know now to appreciate the wonder of that space. They remember now the joy in having room to move. And we do, too.

Mark and I have learned that it makes no sense to hand a portion of our home to children without holding them accountable for what will happen in that space. Even as I type that line, I know there will be people who disagree. But, this is our family home and allowing our kids to rule that roost had rendered a portion unusable. For us, that is not okay.

We sat with our kids in that open space and dreamed about what it could become. We dreamed of a day when we could afford a TV for down there, a few simple pieces of furniture. We dreamed about having "teen-space" and "play-space" for all our kids to enjoy. We dreamed together about the things that a bit of neatness buys us... not in pride of ownership but in ways that it might benefit relationship. We talked about having space to entertain friends, room to build Legos with siblings, a place to go and hang out. Because for us, that is what it is all about. I may be a woman who likes things neat, but it is not for neatness sake. I want order because it buys us so many options and affords us so much time... time spent this weekend on cleaning might have been used in other ways...

I don't think this weekend will go down in history as one of my children's best. But, this I know for sure: Last night, I sat upstairs and listened to Noah and Benjamin hanging out in the newly cleaned basement. They had started a game of chess. Noah was coaching his brother on moves that make a difference and extending him lots of grace. They were both laughing and talking about things that brothers talk together about... and it was good. Two boys in their own spot, doing what young boys do.

Two days of cleaning bought us that time... and so many moments like that, to come.

And just like that, it was worth it after all.

Blessings on your day.

It Doesn't Have to Be This Way...

Some days are hard. When I start my day surrounded by crabby, tired children, it wears on me. When I listen to them fuss at each other, speak disrespectfully to one another and argue with me, I wonder how it got this way.

Some days are hard. When homework is "forgotten" and chores are undone, when beds are mussed and rooms are messed, when the dog hasn't been fed and the garbage is still full, I wonder how it got this way.

It's been a long week here. Way too much belly-gazing, and not enough work accomplished. It has been one of those weeks that feels like it runs me, instead of the other way around, and I am weary. There were things I wanted to get done... things I wanted to take care of... Now, it's Friday and my laundry room floor has gone missing, the kitchen is a mess, leaves blew in the backdoor and are covering the carpet and the dog needs a bath. My chapters are not done and I am left wondering what happened to all the time that this week held. Does that ever happen to you?

And yet... when I think about it... there may be another way to look at it.

The weather warmed up this week. My crocuses and daffodils bloomed and the kids played outside. We left the back door open to allow for a breeze and the leaves came in on the happy feet of my barefoot children.

Yes, chores went undone... because the wonder of warmth called to my kids and they ran in the sunshine with smiles on their faces. Noah shot baskets til the sun went down and Benjamin threw a ball to the dog for hours on end. Elizabeth rode the swings for ages, her hair flying back and forth on the breeze. Josiah challenged himself, again and again to figure out how to balance on a bike with only two, wobbly wheels.

The whole of the week was different. But, we laughed a lot. And they played a lot. And while backpacks were thrown haphazardly inside the front door, it was because they were in hurry to get themselves back outside.

And, I loved watching them. I love when they are outside and no one is telling them what to do. I love when they run for the sake of running and yell just to hear their own sound. I love when they come together to create a game or walk the dog or shoot some hoops.

It's supposed to snow tomorrow. And the next day. Totally normal for mid-March in Illinois. And when it does, we will make the beds and vacuum the leaves and take care of all that was set aside this week. Because warm or not, it still needs to be done... But, the truth is it didn't have to be done right then.

I started the week wondering why it has to be this way... the mess, the noise, the things left behind. I am ending the week grateful for what it was. It may not have been what I expected... but what we were given was better... richer... and a lot more fun to watch.

Blessings on your day!


::A huge thank you to those who commented on yesterday's post. Your words helped more than you know. Thank you!::

Goals and Plans and Things to do... "Sticks" Included!

I have this thing about goals. There are two sides to this coin and both are very real to me. I love the feeling that comes with having a purpose, an end in view that spurs you onward-learning and growing along the way. On the other hand, there is something to be said about guilt-free relaxing that does not carry with it the stress of an opportunity missed. I have moments where these sides balance perfectly and I feel a calm sense of forward movement. In summer, I seek that balance for my children and myself.

With three months spread out before us, the thinking through possible goals seems like a natural fit. A month or two before school gets out, I start thinking through things I would like my kids to learn. I dream about experiences I would like to share with them, places to go, things to do. I process through whatever is upcoming for them in the next school year and think of ways they might accomplish some of that over the summer. I add to that list enticing books to read and activities that will help my children connect to one another. On top of all this, I wonder about what they need to learn... what life skills might they need as they grow from children to adults. It is three long months and I like to look at that time as a gift... a chance to give them, teach them, things I know will matter for a long, long time to come.

Some of you read this blog because somewhere over the years you have heard me speak to your group or to a conference you have attended. If you have heard me speak or know my family in any way, you have heard me mention "Sticks". This is a program originally created for use in our house to increase organization, help my children internalize (age-appropriate) daily tasks, minimize parental nagging, reduce materialism, develop independence and generally help our home run in a way that is far less stressful. I had NO idea when I developed the program that it would take on a life of its own! I am now writing a book on it all that I hope to complete by next fall. I am asked to speak on "Sticks" all the time and there are now many, many people who are using the system in their own homes. "Sticks" is a big part of our summer planning and while I cannot post the whole "Sticks" system here on my blog (Who would buy the book?), I can tell you some of the things that we do everyday to help my kids find structure in the slow, relaxing days of summer.

Here are some things that we are doing-

Everyday all the kids: read for 30 minutes, play outside (at least twice), practice a sport (usually soccer or baseball), have a healthy snack, play with a sibling, do a workbook page (That commercial where the child at the pool is losing all his knowledge from the previous year haunts me!), clean after meals, assist with our big garden, feed and brush and walk our dogs, and help with simple housework.

The older boys: learn to do laundry (gotta love that!), practice an instrument and develop leadership skills by teaching a younger sibling a sport outside.

The younger kids: help haul laundry, do flashcards in reading or math, help with setting and clearing the table and learn a sport.

In a given week: all the kids memorize a memory verse from the Bible.

Over the summer: Elizabeth (5) will learn some pre-reading and reading skills, Josiah (6)will work on math skills in addition and subtraction, Benjamin (10) will fight his urge to play all instruments by ear and work on reading music and Noah (12) is working on some school lessons that will be important for him next year. All the kids will read books from the library that our school recommends. These books are found on the Caudill List and the Monarch Book List.

In addition to all this, the kids will either participate in or help run our church's VBS program and take swimming lessons for two weeks. Sometimes we can add a camp or two but VBS and swimming are things not to be missed.

It may seem like an awful lot but the truth is that our daily routine is really quite laid back. Because the kids know what they are working on and Sticks eliminates nagging, they move from activity to activity, from task to task, with little pushing from me. There is TONS of time for free play, though most of that will happen outdoors. When they come inside, Legos are a draw and the younger kids still love our old Imaginext set. They make up games, play with lots of water and interestingly all the boys have chosen to "write a book" on the computer. We watch very little tv and have not yet started video games, and so time is not spent there. We encourage "screen-free" time and for the most part, the days are full and relaxing enough that screens get pushed out without notice.

Mark and I dream of things we would love to do with our kids... most of which will not find a place in the next three months. Spending over two years with two houses and two mortgages makes many things impossible but we dream nonetheless.

We dream about:
-Camping vacations to places that we long to show our children before they are grown and gone. We would love to go to the Grand Canyon, Yellowstone Park, Yosemite. We have long since outgrown our tent and wish we could afford a pop-up that we could pull from place to place and sleep up off the ground.

-Being able to afford overnight camps and bigger summer experiences for our four kids. With camp a part of both of our backgrounds, we know how important that time can be but our goals and wishes and budget must match.

-Taking all the kids on mission trips out of the country to teach them more about their part in the Kingdom and to help them see our blessed life in fuller perspective. With friends who live in various countries, the locations would be easy to choose, the plane fare much harder to come by.

For now, we dream --but someday we will do! While we wait, the summer is full of simple pleasures and quiet moments that intertwine with the chipping away at goals and tasks and new lessons learned. The goals offer us a structure from which we hang our lazy days and for us, the fit is good.

What about you? What would you like to see your children learn over the next three months? What experiences can you offer, what lessons are important for your little ones at home? What do you want your days to look like and how might you facilitate that happening for them? It has taken many years for our family to learn and build the system that we use but this level of detail is not necessary to maximize your many summer days. Finding a few minutes to be intentional about what they will learn and do can save your sanity when the walls begin to feel like they are closing in.

It is cloudy and cold in Chicago today. After chipping away at some daily tasks, we made a big bowl of popcorn and cuddled up with blankets to watch a silly movie. Even with goals, even with structure, there is always a place for a child on my lap and the smell of popcorn on the air.

Blessings on your day!