All Those Little Things...

This is what I know...

I know that in my home live four children who call me momma.  Different as night and day, they are.  Each one deeply loved and desired and each one such an integral part of our family that I cannot imagine life without them.

And I know that as Mark and I have parented these four, there have been days that are beautiful and simple and honestly, the stuff of dreams.  But there have also been hard days and gritty days and days that I fall into bed in tears, deeply aware of how much I really do not know.

For each of them we have fought.  We fought to see the wonder and delighted in those moments when it rose to the top like bubbles.  We fought to approach discipline wisely and carefully and personally so that we were not so much trying to be fair to the four as we were trying to give each one what they needed.  Because it is rarely the same thing, at least not in our home.

And God knows we have not always been sure that what we are doing is the best thing.  We are not always sure what the next thing should be.  We are not always sure that we are reaching the ones we need to reach and giving space to the ones who are growing up and out.  Because all this parenting stuff is hard.

Maybe you understand...

But, as we have walked through this for 17.5 years with our children nearby, crafting a life that we pray God will use to help our kids grow into who they are meant to be, we have tried to do what we can do and prayed for grace when we failed.  Which happens, you know.  I hope you know.

And from where I stand, I see this little tiny glimpse that I just have to share because in the midst of a lifetime of living with no instruction manual and only a fuzzy view into what might come, it offers me hope.   And I need that.  And maybe you do, too.

This fall, our oldest will be a senior in high school.  He is almost done.  And his little brother will be a sophomore and our little ones will be in the 5th and 6th grades and all of a sudden I can see it...

Blowing bubbles
Praying often
Standing firm
Saying no
Laughing out loud
Eating together
Playing games
Taking a walk
Going to church
Reading a book
Saying hard words
Raising the bar
Staying involved
Showing up
Opening up
Pulling in close

     and...

           Letting Go...

They all matter.  

These and so much more.

And maybe you are tired and maybe you are struggling and maybe it is just all too hard.

Yep.  I get that.

But, squint your eyes and take a deep breath and be reminded... It.  Matters.  

All those little choices over a lifetime of living together when you could not stand the sight of the Candy Land box or one more knock-knock joke but you made yourself listen again, roll the dice, pick a card, hook up the sprinkler, all because a little one asked.  All the times that you set aside what you are doing to watch that video, listen to middle school drama, invite over another friend, it makes all the difference in the world. When you stay connected when it is easier to step away, when you try a new approach to discipline because the last 4 ways did not work, when you expect more and follow through and don't give up, you are changing it all for the good.


And when you, like me, are looking at your baby and realizing that you see more of his back as he walks out the door than his face hanging out at home, you will know that somehow you have poured into the boy while you had him close.  And when he comes back in to say good-bye and give you a hug as he heads on out, you will be grateful for all the little things, all the choices that felt like mindless minutiae, that gave him the security to stand, the confidence to connect to the world before him.

Our children get these things when we see them.

So, please see.  

And honestly, I do not think it is so much about the things we do not do... Because we are trying, right?  It is about knowing that what we manage to do on this one day makes all the difference in the world to the children we have been given to raise.  So we will try to choose that one thing, one more time, one more game, one more lightning bug saved in a jar.  There is wonder to be found in the most mundane.

When we started this journey, 17.5 years ago, we had no idea that it mattered.  But a lifetime of seeking to make intentional choices has somehow brought us to this place where we can see that the little choices are the big choices.  They are those moments we remember, those memories we cherish, even when it was something silly or simple.  But the whole of it left a mark on our kids and taught lessons we didn't know we were offering. Choosing to be present and willing and connected sent a signal loudly that they are loved, important, noticed, valued...

Lessons they get to keep.

I don't think I always knew that.

What a wondrous thing to learn.

Blessings on your day.

Clearer Vision on an Ordinary Night

I did not expect it to happen this way.  And to be honest, I am a little embarrassed.  Maybe being a mom may offer me some sort of pass but that's no excuse for finding myself overwhelmed by a sudden realization that literally brought me to tears.  In public.

Thank goodness for sunglasses.

It began as an ordinary day.  The kids were all at school while I spent the day writing and answering speaker requests.  I made dinner early and packed snacks to bring to the high school soccer game I would attend that afternoon and evening.

Normal. Normal. Normal.

I made it to the games with plenty of time to settle in and chat with the other soccer parents who had gotten there before me.  The JV team took the field and battled through a great game.  It was a gorgeous day. Seriously.  We are in the midst of a week or two of perfect weather.  Warm days, cool nights.  Perfect.  In the stands, we commented on the beautiful sunset that was to come and talked about how glad we were that the sun was about to dip beneath the trees.

When the JV game ended, we settled in for what would be another 2 hours of soccer, this time watching the Varsity players.  My oldest plays for this team and is a junior at the high school.  The team warmed up.  Just before standing for the national anthem, the starting line-up was introduced.  The team, gathered near their bench, huddled together to cheer on each player being called to the center of the field.  I have seen this done a hundred times.  Except, this time was different.  My son's name was called and I saw his blond head running through his team.  He began his run out to meet up with his teammates on the field and in a split second, it happened.  And I never saw it coming.

As he ran forward, the whole of his life passed right before me.  I am not kidding or exaggerating or being dramatic.  I didn't plan it or even think it or know it was coming.  It was an ordinary day and all of a sudden I am crying, in public, because I could see it all.  I could see him starting preschool in his yellow jacket, learning to play soccer with his skinny little legs, pouring over a book with his furrowed brow, laughing in the backyard while our dog licked his face, biking down the street with his hair in the wind, walking confidently across the middle school graduation stage, and heading tentatively into high school on that very first day.  I could see his infant face and his now-grown face and all the ways those faces are exactly the same.  And then, I could feel that it is almost done. I knew, in some deep visceral way, that the number of times I get to do this is getting smaller and that for all the days that raising children feels like a job that I will have forever, this moment was clarifying the truth.  There is an end-game.  And I am standing way too close.

I sat in the stands, choking back tears (as I am doing right now), and praying that no one would see.  I talked myself off the ledge and reasoned that my boy is only a JUNIOR.  I have another whole year on top of the one we just began!  I practiced my Lamaze breathing and dabbed casually at my eyes but I could not look away.  Because there he stood.  Taller than me and standing proudly in the center of a field he knows as well as our own backyard.  There he stood, closer to leaving than staying, far more adult than boy.  How does anyone not cry when you suddenly see the truth?  And when the truth holds so much depth and beauty and history and love, how are we not moved to tears?

On that nearly perfect night, I realized in brand new ways how blessed I am to parent this one good boy.  I realized that it is a gift beyond measure to find yourself sharing your life with teenager that you genuinely love and cannot bear to lose.  I realized that it matters that I pay attention to the absolutely ordinary days because, really, that is what makes up our lives.  And someday, I do not think I will be trying to recall all the big events we lived together as a family as much as I will be holding tight to the wonder that is found on a soccer field in September in the dusk of an ordinary night.

Blessings on your day.  

It's Okay to Need a Break...

The house is quiet.  I am grateful.

My older boys are away this week and we are missing them already.  The little ones are reading and while I can hear lawn mowers outdoors and the clicking of my keys as I type, there is otherwise no sound to take up the space in my brain.

Yes, grateful.

The summer months have a way of filling up and getting loud and demanding attention and activity.  But sometimes, I need to sit and be still and breathe deeply in a calm and quiet space.

You, too?

It's okay, you know, to take a minute and step outside and let the chaos continue away from you while you soak up the silence that can refresh your self.  It's okay to need it and okay to seek it and okay to know that your day is better if you can just find a break.

You are not the only momma who has locked the bathroom door, who has sat in the van while parked in the driveway, who has put on the TV and then walked away.  You are not the only momma who looks at the calendar filled with 80+ summer days and wondered what to do with all that time.  You are not the only one.

So, if it is getting kinda loud and your nerves are fried and you are finding yourself answering in a terse, tight tone, give yourself a minute and find a quiet space and take some intentional deep breaths.  Watch the leaves on the trees dance in the breeze and let yourself unwind just a little, tiny bit.  Or better yet, open that same door and send the kids outside and make a quick cup of coffee to sip while you sit still in the house doing absolutely, positively nothing at all.

Because sometimes you need a break.

We all do.

And, it's okay.

Blessings on your day.

Who Gets to Choose?

:::A blog post about Mommas that could be about Daddy's too:::


Cookies or chicken for dinner?

Play video games all night or rest well?

Play outside or in?

Study or not?

Stretch your comfort zone or stay settled?

Which would your kids choose?

This parenting gig is tricky.  Sixteen and a half years ago, my first born was placed in my arms and my husband and I began this walk together.  Some days, we have chosen paths for them (and for us) that are easy and agreeable.  But, some days the choices are cloudy and we rely heavily on our limited wisdom and experience to decide what is needful for our children and what truly matters to our family and try as we might, the "right-ness" of those decisions can be a little less sure than we hope.

It is hard to know what is best...

But, of this I am sure:  my children are not the best judges of what is best for them.  Left to their own devices, they would choose as children choose and I think I am glad for this because it does, in fact, prove that my sweet babies are blessed with a lives that allow them to be children.  Not everyone has been offered this privilege.  But, given that they are young and their view is limited and their goals for themselves are sometimes smaller than need be, the choices made on their behalf can sometimes be met with resistance.

What's a momma to do?

What's a momma to do when she knows that piano lessons are truly a gift and the child doesn't feel like practicing?  What's a momma to do when she knows the value of fruits and veggies and unprocessed foods and the child is sure that a bag of chips and a cookie provides more than enough protein to get by?  What's a momma to do when she knows that being present with those you are present with means more than texting the person who is elsewhere and the child is sure that being in contact electronically with many matters more than seeing the face of the one nearby?  What's a momma to do when she knows that camp experiences matter, that growth and laughter come out of relationship and community and that kids learn much about themselves when they step out in faith and the child is sure that it matters most to be still and home and without plan or structure?

What's a momma to do?

It is all so hard.

But today, I am reminding myself that on that day when I first held my son, I had to learn a new reliance on God.  Because, left to my own devices, my choices can be much like those of my children.  Today, I am reminding myself, that these four children have been entrusted to me.  Not given to me.  And for the very few years that I get to share with them, it is my job to seek wisdom and to act on it.  And there is nothing easy about that.  But the truth is that I did not just get the title of  "Mom", I got the job itself.  And within that endless job description, we will find points like these:

~The Mom will deeply know each child.  She will learn about their God-given strengths and weaknesses.

~The Mom will find ways to enforce said strengths and build up such weaknesses.

~The Mom will find opportunities for her children to learn and grow in ways that are needful and ways that are fun.

~The Mom will provide a home that serves as a launching pad, preparing her children for the necessary life lessons and experiences that her children will encounter.

~The Mom will provide a home that serves as a landing pad, welcoming home from experiences and enfolding her children back into family life again and again and again.

~The Mom will pray and dream for her children.

~The Mom will listen to the words and hearts of her children.

~The Mom will stand firm in what she feels is right and needful, even in the face of childhood adversity.

~The Mom will teach her children to choose well by allowing them to practice but will never give a choice where a choice is not given.

There is no end to this list.  No end.

The truth is we have to actually be the Mom.  And what that means is that I will act out of love on behalf of my kids.  When they like it.  And when they don't.

Which is hard.

So yes, they will eat their veggies, practice piano, volunteer their time, turn off the TV, stretch their comfort zones, do their homework and be held accountable to the whole of it.  Not because I am mean but because I love them dearly and because every day God allows me a little glimpse into who they might become.  And some days they can see that, too.  But some days they cannot.  So, while we are here together, I am going to try to focus on the big picture and stand up for what is needful and pray and pray and pray for them even when they fuss about what we choose.  Even when it is hard and I am weary and we do not all agree.

Because, I am their Mom.  And because he is their Dad.  And the job is big and difficult and beautiful and today, I choose to do it.  Out of the big-ness of this love, I choose to do it.

Blessings on your day.

Before They Go Back-to-School

We have been inundated with Back-To-School flyers and zippy commercials and academic supply lists.  We have been given the message, loud and clear, that it is time for us to get our ducks in a row, schedule hair cuts, stuff backpacks and purchase the newest, coolest gym shoes for the children in our homes.  School starts soon!  It is time to get ready.

And while all of this swims around my head, I cannot help but think that we are somehow missing the mark.  It may be true that there is something special about a brand new box of 64, but it is the thing that matters?  Is it really where our focus should be during these last, long days of summer?  Will our buying frenzy lead to children who are ready for school to start up once more?

Here are some preparations to consider:

1.  Let your kids linger outside.  In our home, we can already feel the schedules pushing in on our lazy summer days.  Team practices, last minute camps, forms to fill out... but my kids want to be outside.  They NEED to be outside.  Let's make time, before the time is gone, to push our kids out the door and let the sun land on their cheeks as they run and yell and hang upside down in a tree.  They need the openness of it... the freedom.  They need to think up a game and play with abandon and come in dirty and tired.  It matters, even if they beg to play video games inside.  They need to breathe deep, to lay in the grass, to watch falling stars in cool evening air.  Do it, mommas.  While we can.

2.  Listen to their concerns and excitements about the year to come.  Listen to the way they talk about their friends, their teachers, their school environment.  Let them spill the whole of it out so that you know where they are when they step away.  Ask gentle questions and then let the words come and look at their faces and read their feelings and help them talk through all that goes into starting a brand new year.  You are building relationships here... sending a message that you will hear them.  And as the wonder and turmoil of school begins again, you want them to know they can come to you with all that will arise in class.

3.  Check the messages you send about school.  As a speaker, I have had the chance to listen to mommas from all over, many of whom believe that it is normal, even expected, for children to hate school.  Breaks my heart!  Never underestimate the power of your words in your child's young life!  School does not have to be something kids dread.  Be positive about the year ahead!  Talk about the privilege of going to school and the amazing things they will learn.  Talk about LOVING it and working hard and playing hard and make it all seem like fun... because it is!  Kids who go into school ready for a great adventure, often will find one!  If last year was hard, speak positively about a new start!  If there are areas of concern in your child's school or classroom, please be prepared to get involved.  Be an advocate in trouble. Yet, in hardship or joy, speak with chosen words. Your words will replay in your child's mind and heart for years to come.

4.  Pray.  Pray a lot.  Pray for your children, for their school, for the lessons that will be taught and those that are unplanned.  Pray for your child's teacher and for the families and for the administration.  Pray with your child for those things that concern them and the things they are eager to begin.  Let the teachers know you are praying for them, if you feel comfortable doing so.  Because as this year begins, you will have a new partnership beginning as well.  A new name.  A new influence.  The teacher your child will be with this year will become a part of your family history. Your child will tell stories about this person and remember field trips shared.  Your community is growing and your family is growing and all of it is worth praying about.

5.  Read.  Read aloud.  Have your children read silently.  Prepare their minds and their imaginations for the year ahead.  It doesn't have to feel "academic"... allow it all to feel fun.  Even big kids will listen... so take a few minutes and share a story and let your minds run with the wonder of it all.

Getting ready for back to school has become a commercial event.  Search #BTS on Twitter and you will find hundreds of stores using that hashtag to draw you into the next "necessary" purchase.  But, getting ready for the year ahead has little to do with the things we must buy.  Yes, the Crayolas are necessary.  But stand back a bit and squint your eyes and look to see what matters more.  Helping our kids to FEEL ready... helping our kids to process what is to come... all of this matter so much more.

It takes so little to make the most of these days.  If we think through our getting ready, we can find ourselves teaching our kids to look forward to the year ahead.  Raising kids who love school is far more important than buying the "right" shoes.  Fostering a positive attitude about school can lead to greater success for our kids, opening doors we don't even know we will need.

These days of summer are numbered.  What we do with this time can set the stage for an amazing year ahead.

Blessings on your day!

Needing a Do-Over Today

Sometimes, we need a do-over.  I need one today.

Even though we had a family meeting yesterday about reducing stress and being organized, our morning was insane.  INSANE.  In the end, my kids were late for school, which I hate.  Noah did not have everything he needed, including shoes that fit.  And Mark got stitches.  Seriously.

This was not the plan.

Surely this never happens to you.  Right?

After I dropped Noah off at school, I came home to a house that was messy and garbage that needed to go out and a fridge that needed to be cleaned and writing that needed to be done and  I. AM. TIRED.

What am I to do?  I have looked for that "easy button" and wished to start all over and none of it can happen.  So, what am I to do?

Standing in my house, I surveyed the mess left in the wake of our crazy beginning.  I turned on the radio, found a Christian station, and sat down for just a minute.

Then I got up and cleaned out the fridge.  Because it is garbage day.  It has to be done.  And while I washed the shelves and checked expiration dates, I thought about dinner and tried to catch my breath.  I talked to my best friend.  I relaxed my shoulders.  I looked out the window at spring outside.  My tulips are blooming.

Sometimes, we need a do-over.  Sometimes, we need to keep going.  Sometimes, its enough to see a flower outside and accept it as a gift.

My kids will come home in 4 hours.  In that time, I need to regroup.  I am frustrated and stressed but not overcome.  Today, I need to find some quiet and organize my thoughts and keep on breathing and pray for the peace that has been promised to me.

I hope you find it, too.

Blessings on your day.

The Letter I Wish I Could Send...

Some days are hard, we know this full well.  There are so many things I wish I could say to my children, things they are too young to understand, or maybe not.  Given our difficult day yesterday, I have written a letter that I wish I could send... though writing it out might just help enough. I have purposely not included any names because while I have one child in mind this morning, tomorrow it may be someone else.  Writing and remembering why I do what I do... that is what I needed today. I hope it helps you, too.    

Dear Little One,

It's time we have a talk.  Yesterday was not a good day.  We ended the day, both you and I, worn out and used up and sad and frustrated.  And maybe you felt like we had a talk then but I think we need to clarify things, get on the same page, and start again.  How 'bout that, honey?

First of all, I want what is best for you.  It has nothing to do with me and everything to do with helping you get ready to become the person God intends you to be.  He has a plan for you, Little One.  He dreams about the things you will get to do, the places you will go, the work you will do in the Kingdom.  I want all of this for you... nothing more and not one thing less.  So, when I ask you to do it again or do it well or read it through or think about things, I am not punishing you.  I am dreaming for you.  I am dreaming for who you are which will surely lead to who you will become.  Believe me, what feels like the "hard way" for you is no easier (at all) for me.

Next, respect matters.  I will never pretend that it is does not.  You have no option but to respect your Daddy and I because it is right and good and because it teaches you something big.  Today, you listen to us.  Someday, you will listen to someone else.  You might like them.  You might not.  You might like what they have to say.  You might disagree.  But, learning to handle all those feelings in a way that is respectable matters much more than you can guess.  When you are grown and in a tough situation, being respectful may help you be heard.  And you will need to be heard.  I want that for you.  And, my sweet baby, you will learn that respect is something we offer and something we expect.  You grow into being respectable... and you learn it about yourself.  So, if I say, "Stop." and you keep going, and I say it again, and you keep going, the situation will not go well.  Not today or tomorrow or any other day.  My "Stop." is trying to help you.  It is trying to teach you.  It is important and by stopping, you show respect.  You are respecting my words and my request.  You are respecting yourself by growing into this big lesson.  We need to work on this, you and I.

Lastly, words have power.  They communicate to others something about you.  Your thoughts.  Your desires.  Your dreams.   My honey, use them carefully.  Think about them.  Roll them around your mouth.  Evaluate them.  Ask yourself if they are kind and true.  Ask yourself if they are necessary.  Because it matters that they are.  Today, your words are given to me, to classmates, to a teacher.  Soon, they will be offered to a professor, an employer, a spouse.  Use your words to help them see you, you in all your glory.  Help them to know who you are and who you are becoming.  When your words are twisted, untrue, it shows your struggle and struggling is okay.  But, do you understand you can use your words to let us help you come out of your struggle instead of settling there?  A lie will never be okay with me.  Never.  Lies hurt and lies break and lies separate us from those we love.  I don't want that for you.  I want you to use your words and your desires and your dreams and your thoughts to draw close, to build a bridge, to let us come alongside you and help you out.  Yes, Little One, words have power.  I want to help you learn to use yours well.

This world is not an accidental place.  God, who loves us more than we can imagine, has His mighty hands all over it.  His plan is all for good.  This is not to say it will be easy.  I think we know that, you and I.  But, it is to say that it is planned and it is made for good.  Our family is "on purpose", honey.  These two parents, all four kids, all our strengths, all our weaknesses, all our sadness, all our joy, all "on purpose".  From the beginning of time we were meant to be here, together in this place.  Because we need each other.  It is God's gift to each of us every single day. Together we are all becoming those people we need to be.  And it is big work.  So, I will keep showing up and keep being the momma and keep raising the standard and keep teaching you all I think you will need to know.  Because I love you.  And I know you are a gift to me.  And I am thankful for that.

Love,

mom

Blessings on your day.  

Something to Try for the Weekend!

Josiah loves to bake.  My other kids love to help. Some Saturday mornings, we are afforded the time to relax and work in the kitchen together.  This weekend, look for a simple recipe and encourage your family to help you bake.  While it can be a bit chaotic, you are building memories with your children that will last for years to come.  Looking for a yummy recipe?  I have posted our zucchini bread recipe here.

As you work together in the kitchen, take just a minute to step back and look.  Look at your children, listen to their voices, memorize their faces.  We may be tired and the days may be long, but there is wonder here that we will one day miss so much.

Blessings on your weekend!

Pinterest and Providence

Recently, a friend of mine encouraged me to join Pinterest.  I was hesitant and had put it off assuming it would take more of my time away from writing and parenting and laundry and all the details of my daily life.  But, even it the shadow of this threat, curiosity got the best of me and I gave in.

What I found was a right-brained-wonderland of images that caused me to dream and plan and covet a whole bunch.  I found recipes and ideas and floor plans and crafts that could easily consume my waking hours.  I loved the newness... the ability to see things I had not even thought about before... the creativity that so many people showed in how they used the things they no longer needed.  It helped me to look around my own house and wonder what we could re-purpose to make our home more family-friendly.

Dreaming is one thing, reality is another.  Using Pinterest to dream my day away seemed like an awful waste of time.  Was there some way to use what I was seeing?  As I wondered about it all, I came across this picture:

How cool is THAT?  I looked it up and thought it would be easy enough to make.  Mason jars are inexpensive and accessible and my kids love anything that glows in the dark.  As I began to think it through, I realized that the jars looked like they were full of lightning bugs.  Our backyard fills with their glittering every summer.  In my head, I was lost in memories of my babies running barefoot in our backyard in the dark catching fire flies on their hands and arms.  I remembered them falling onto dew-damp grass and looking up at the stars, pointing out constellations and...

What if the jars could be more than an interesting thing to gaze upon?  What if I could use this simple craft item to draw my children back to those memories... and teach them something, too?

As I picked up glow-in-the-dark paint, I dreamed a bit.  What would I offer my babies in this gift of glass and paint?  I went home and began the task of painting tiny dots on the inside of our Mason jars.  Struck by how like stars they looked, the lesson I would offer came together.

As the jars dried, I sat down to write my children a letter.  That night, as each child prepared for bed, I sat with them and read them what I had written earlier.  Then I prayed with them and presented them with the jar as I turned out the light.  The sight of their sweet faces gently lit by the gift's glow is something I will keep for years to come.  It is my prayer that as they fall asleep looking at the lights each night, they will remember my words.... God's promise... to their young lives.

I wrote:

Dear Noah, Benjamin, Josiah, Elizabeth,

Remember when it was summer?  Remember when we could run around outside, barefoot, warm, late into the night?  Remember when the lightning bugs would come out and fill the backyard?  A million lights around us, with a million more shining down from space.  How beautiful the stars are in the middle of  the summer!

Those stars that we see so clearly on those nights, they are a promise.  They were a promise to Abraham so long ago.  They are a promise to you today.  God told Abraham that He would give him as many children as there are stars, as many descendants as there is sand on the beach.  You were on His mind that day.  You were part of His promise.  The Kingdom God was building with Abraham and all of his many babies is the Kingdom we live in today.  It is a tiny glimpse into the Kingdom that is to come.  You are a child of the King.  

Tonight, as you go to sleep, look at this simple jar and remember.... remember the lightning bugs and remember the stars, remember Abraham and remember that the promise God gave included you.  How important you are to Him!  He is continuing to build his Kingdom through you.

I love you.

Mom



Blessings on your day.

Sticks! Update

Some of you have been so patient.  I see you poking your heads in here, wondering if this book will ever be done.  Sometimes I wonder, too!

So, in an effort to continue to build accountability, let me give you an update!  The book is coming along nicely.   This week, chapters 1-4 are going to be edited and I am revising several others.  I am working on many details that will make this dream a reality.  I cannot wait!

In the meantime, if you are wondering what I am talking about or wondering what you can do to start Sticks! in your family, let me share some ideas.

1.  Remember dreaming about your kids, your family, and the momma you would become before your babies came along?  Those dreams were important.  Your goals and plans for your life together had nuggets of wisdom tucked within.  We forget these things when we are sleep-deprived and busy.  Take a minute to remember the goals you once had for your family.

2.  Next... What do you want your children to do every day?  What does that list look like?  Is this about chores?  Yes.  And no.  What does a good day hold?  Write that list down.  Will they read?  Play outside?  Practice an instrument?  Tend to a hobby?  Help their momma?  What do they need to do each day?  You cannot create a structure without knowing what building blocks are necessary.

Look at you!  You are already ahead of the game!  Thinking through these two things can be the first steps to making an enormous, helpful change in your family.

More information is coming.  Now, I am off to keep on writing!

Blessings on your day!

Just a Weekend, Also a Beginning

I want to write him a letter.  Something he can take with him while he rides the bus.  I want to write down all the things he needs to know, the things I have been saying, for 13 years of his young life.  I know he is leaving for no more than a weekend... but still.

I watched him pack.  Snow pants.  Gloves.  Extra socks.  I watched him wonder what he would need.  He is nervous, excited.  I am, too.  All of this he packed neatly away while I watched.

Tonight, I will take my second-born and drop him off with his youth group and they will board a big bus and drive for hours and spend a weekend off in the woods laughing and playing and learning and listening. For two and a half days, I will have no contact, no word, no nothing... Well, not nothing... something, actually.  An opportunity... an opportunity to trust him and an opportunity to trust our Creator with the life and lessons of a boy that I call mine.

These transitions are always big for me.  Watching my kids walk confidently away is what I am raising them to do.  And yet, when it happens, my breath catches and there is a lump in my throat and I am overwhelmed with feelings of pride and sadness.  Longing and letting go, all at once.

Yes, it is only a weekend.  I get that.  Truly, I do.  But, if you squint your eyes and focus carefully, you will see what I can see that releasing him for a far away retreat is really much, much more.  It is part of the beginning.  Part of what is to come.  Part of my sweet Benjamin standing up and trying out the lessons we have given him thus far.  It is his first steps out and away and a time for him to look around and think through some things. It is a time for him to listen for God and wonder about that still, small voice.  It is a time for growth and a time to think about everything that has to do with who he is and who God is creating him to be.  A time... for me to see how little it is about me and how much it is about a plan that is bigger than mine.

And all of that is good.

So this afternoon, I will wrap my arms around my energetic, smart, joyful boy and give him a squeeze before letting go.  And I will count this as practice for what is yet to come.  I will trust that he is well and I will hope that he has fun and I will pray for his sweet self and on Sunday, I will bring him home.  Then, as he falls asleep, he will dream of things that are all his and I will fall asleep knowing he is home.  

This parenting stuff is work, I think.  And how strange the job really is.  We throw ourselves fully into family and faith, spending years and years working ourselves out of a job.  Holding kids closely while knowing that everyday brings us nearer to a time of trust and release.  This weekend, is just practice... and I am glad because I am not ready to let go of this one yet.

How I love my boy...

Blessings on your day.

Menu Planning Monday on Tuesday

I have to be honest.  Sometimes, even when the menu is done, I want to write about something else.  Yesterday, the story of my morning with Elizabeth felt far more important than what we were planning to eat.  So, if you are following the meal planning, please be patient.  It is coming... but I want to be sensitive to first things first.  

And lest you think all is wonderful here after our Sunday morning discipline, let me say once again that my home is much like yours.  We walk together, stumble together and sometimes get it right.  And sometimes not.  Oh how my sweet girlie is struggling with putting aside what she wants most in order to be obedient.  Last night, the struggle continued and I worked very hard to be patient as I retaught the lesson we had learned the day before.  Even when we are intentional... even when we are loving... even when we are consistent... sometimes our children miss what we are teaching them.  After a frustrating afternoon, and likely too much conversation, EB was off and laughing and playing again.  I am glad we can work through these difficult patches but I am eager to see her remember the lesson.  Watching our children learn to choose well can be agonizing but I am trying (trying!) to focus on how amazing it will be when she realizes that working for what she wants is the best way to get that thing...

And, I am straying from the topic at hand!  Menu planning continues to work well for us and I am finding that if I do not post the menu on Sunday night, nearly everyone will come to me wondering what we are doing.  In this way, I think it may be helping us to organize our meals and plan ahead.

I am continuing to create the menu based on what I am finding on sale.  This week, whole chickens were on sale so I bought two.  Both are on the stove boiling right now (the house smells amazing!) and the meat will be used in many upcoming recipes.

Here are our dinners for the week:

Monday:  We ordered pizza.  A local restaurant offers half-off pizza on Mondays so we spent only $9.00 to feed us all.  I love that!  (As an aside, Monday morning, we tried a new breakfast... pumpkin oatmeal.  I loved it.  Some of the kids liked it.  It got mixed reviews.  I think we will try it again... healthy, fast, filling... worth another shot!)

Tuesday:  It is nearly 60 degrees in Chicago today... bizarrely warm for January.  To make the most of this spring-like weather, we will be grilling Italian sausage with veggies tonight!  Yum!

Wednesday:  In an effort to broaden the foods my kids will eat, we are going to try Peanut Noodles with chicken and veggies.  One of my kiddos will not eat peanut butter so I may be setting myself up for a fail here... though the same child does eat Scotcheroos.  :)  So... we will see how this meal goes.

Thursday:  My family is not big on salads though I have had good luck with Taco Salad.  With less fat and calories than traditional tacos, I feel good about making this meal.

Friday:  We are going to try letting the kids choose this meal.  I have no idea what will sound good to them!  Tonight, we take a vote!  Keeping meal planning fun has been working for us, so far.

Saturday:  For lunch, I making chicken soup using the broth and chicken I am cooking today.  I will serve fresh bread with this which always makes a meal so cozy.  For dinner, we will make chicken quesadillas... a recipe so easy I can throw it together in minutes.

Sunday:  While I normally make a huge meal for lunch, this week is the Super Bowl!  :)  We will eat lighter in the afternoon and then have a great time with snacks during the game.  I will be choosing our snacks from the following list (most of which I found on Pinterest!):

-apples and dip
-garlic chicken crescent rolls
-coconut chicken strips
-chips and cheese
-veggies and dip
-pizza muffins
-ham and cheese sliders
-buffalo chicken balls
-buffalo chicken tacos
-vanilla cupcakes

No, I will not be making all of these things... though I would love to!  I am excited though to find a couple of new favorites to add to our Sunday snack list.

So, there ya go!  A brand new menu for a brand new(ish) week!  What about you?  What are you looking forward to eating this week?

Blessings on your day!

Wanting a Bath and Learning a Lesson

My kids love a bath.  From the time they were babies, we have set aside time for them to lounge in the tub everyday.  As our life became fuller, and we had more children, baths turned to showers for the sake of time.  Since then, baths have become things of luxury... times of playing... extended, soapy, soaking, solace.

Before church yesterday, the older boys rose early and took quick showers.  Mark drove them both to an indoor soccer game they were to referee together.  This left me home with the little ones and a bit of extra time.  Josiah woke just after I did and grabbed a book he was eager to read. I made coffee and thought that the slower schedule with two kids home might allow some time for them to have a bath.

I went upstairs, started the water and added the things they love best.  Lavender soap.  Epsom salts.  LOTS and lots of bubbles.  By the time it was ready, Josiah was too.  Having reached the end of his chapter, he called the dog and headed in to have a soak.

I could smell the relaxing scent downstairs by now and loved the pace of the day.  As a mom of four, I should know that thinking a morning will go smoothly and well is almost as powerful as a verbal curse.

I could hear Elizabeth beginning to wake up and went in to say good morning.  In the darkness, I very nearly tripped on mounds of Legos left strewn about the floor.  As I pulled up the shade, the light revealed several worn outfits needing to be taken to the laundry room, dolls suspended in imaginary play, a baby bed turned tiger home and boots thrown here and there.

"I thought I heard the bathtub, momma..." Elizabeth began.

"You did..." I answered.  "I thought today we might have time before church for a bath."

Her face lit up and she clambered down from her top bunk.  Grabbing a towel, she made a break for the bathroom before I called her name.

"Elizabeth, Josiah is in there now.  How about you straighten up this room a minute and you can have a bath too, once he is done."

She looked around.  Nobody likes to clean their room.  Especially at 8.  She checked my face.  Were there options?  A way around?  She put her towel down and started tossing the Legos into their box.

I headed to the closet in search of Sunday clothes.  The job was getting done.  The morning was going smoothly.  I relaxed and thought through our day.  Not a bad start.  Not a bad start at all.

A few minutes later, Josiah came out of the bathroom red-cheeked and squeaky clean.  As he brushed his hair and got dressed for church, Elizabeth made her way to the tub.... running into me in the hall.

"Did you finish straightening up, EB?"

Her eyes darted quickly to the floor.

"No."  she whispered.

Coming down to her level, I looked her in the eye.

"It will take you just a few minutes, maybe only 5... and then you can take your bath.  Finish this job and then get in.  Deal?"

Her shoulders dropped.  She sighed.

"Deal."  she said and headed back to her room.

I came downstairs, gave Josiah a job, and went to the kitchen to begin Sunday dinner.  I prepared to make bread.  I got out the roast. It was then that I realized I could hear no cleaning sounds from the bedrooms upstairs.  This time my shoulders dropped.  Our Sunday Utopia was about to end.  How I hate that realization...

I called to Elizabeth upstairs.  No answer.  I listened again.  No cleaning.  I had no option but head on up.

The door to the bathroom was closed.  My daughter was in the tub.  Hoping against hope to find a clean room, I turned and glanced inside.

Boots strewn.

Clothes tossed.

Dolls stopped in mid-play.

The room was not even somewhat clean.

I want to say that I love these moments because they are teaching times with my kids.  This would be a lie.  I do not love these opportunities. I love pouring a bath.... I love hearing them laugh... I love the times when I am more fun momma, than detail momma.  But the reality of this work is that I have only a short time to teach.  The reality of this work is that without the details, without the lessons, without the discipline that was to come, I am not being momma at all.  This life must have both.

I opened the bathroom door to find my girl relaxed and at peace in the tub.  Laying in water, ears submerged, bubbles everywhere... a smile on her face... she was having fun.

I motioned for her to sit up.

"Did you finish straightening up?"  I asked.

Eyes down.

"Yes?" she responded quietly.

"Is that the truth?"  I countered.

"No."

I reached for the shampoo and for the plug to the tub.  Tears welled in her eyes.

She rubbed the soap in her hair.

"Elizabeth, I was very clear.  You needed to straighten up your room before you got in the tub.  It was not a long job... but it needed to be done.  Then, you could spend some time playing in the tub before church.  I was excited for you to have that time.  I planned that for you. "

Her tears spilled over.

"But, I really wanted a bath, right now." she tried...

I splashed water over her long, brown hair, rinsing the shampoo out.

"How did that work out for you?"

"Bad..." she cried.

I held up a towel and she climbed out of the tub.  My girl had lost her bath.

We went into her room together.  We both looked around.

"Tell me," I began, "what still needed to be done."

"I needed to put away my boots.  I needed to put the dolls to bed.  I needed to take my laundry down to the laundry room so you can get it washed."  The list was not long.  But it was undone.

"Elizabeth, why did you leave these things and take a bath?  Why didn't you finish first?"

"I didn't want to finish.  I wanted to take a bath."

"Did you get the nice, long, relaxing bath you hoped for?  I asked.

"No."  More tears.

"If you had finished in your room, where would you be right now?"

She was crying now.  "In the tub!"

"Elizabeth.  Honey.  You lost what you wanted by lying to mom and disobeying what I asked you to do.  You lost what you wanted.  Sometimes, we have to wait for what we want because other things must be done."

I rubbed the towel on her wet head and then headed downstairs to the work I needed to do.  As I prepared our Sunday meal, I could hear her crying upstairs. It is a sound I truly hate.  As I moved around the kitchen, the weight of this work sat heavily upon my shoulders.  Because really, I wanted to leave her in the tub.  I wanted to ignore the room and play and laugh and have a peaceful morning...

But.

But, what does that really mean?  What does it really mean if I want to overlook her disobedience?  Today, my daughter is 8.  The day will come when she is 18.  My days of teaching and these times of opportunity are more limited than I care to admit.  Today, her lie was small.  But, if she is not held accountable right now... if she is not corrected in this tiny thing... what does that say and what will she try tomorrow, next week or next month?

Sometimes, I wish it was easier.  Sometimes, I wish that I could set aside the big picture and not worry about what she is learning.  What they are all learning.  Maybe that day will come.  But it is not today.

About 10 minutes after I left her upstairs, she called to me and I went back up.  She stood in her room, dressed for church, hair brushed out, room very nice and neat.  A smile spread across her lips.

"I did it." she said.  "I did what you told me to do.  Can I come downstairs and help?"

I smiled.  I nodded.  I relaxed my shoulders and realized we made it through.  I know we will visit this lesson again... but for this moment, we are done.  And maybe she understands.

There is no end to this momma-work and I cannot set it aside.  Even in fatigue and frustration, we need to battle on.  Finding the lessons to give our kids is very important work.  It is another way to love them, another way to prepare them, another way to get ready for all that is to come.

Blessings on your day.

Lessons of Trust on a Treacherous Drive

He sat next to me in the van.  The snow had finally come and was covering everything, everywhere, as far as we could see.  We would be together, he and I, for hours as we tried to find our way back home.  The roads were icy, visibility limited... but it was beautiful.

Driving home from his middle school basketball game, I had to remind myself to make the most of the time we had.  It was easy to become frustrated.  Easy to lose my focus and fuss about messy driving, completely missing the gift of time I had been given with my boy.

By the time we found the highway, the muscles in my shoulders ached and I was fighting a headache from focusing so hard on the road ahead.  I was thrilled to see the snow... but had totally missed what it would do to the roads.  Driving slowly, I glanced around and saw many cars in ditches, many spinning out of control.  I rolled my shoulders, sat up straighter, and glanced again at my sweet boy.

He was looking out the window, a smile on his face, watching the wonder that was outside.  He tilted his head and pointed for me to see the outline of a hawk on the tree nearby.

"Look, momma!  Do you see him?  He is so majestic there... "  he said.

I smiled and nodded, fighting the distraction of the road ahead.  I was worried.  Would we be able to make the 45 minute drive home?  How do I keep us safe?  Should we stop or keep pressing forward?

I glanced at him again... the back of his head toward me... and remembered hours and hours of time spent holding him, nursing him, studying the hairs on his head.  I remembered him tiny, remembered him running, remembered him jumping through sprinklers with his face lit up in the summer sun.

How do I keep him safe?

"Will it take us long, do you think?" he asked me.  "I have homework to do tonight..."

I looked at him again.  "Take out your study guide and talk to me about it, bud.  Let's work on it out loud."

After digging through his backpack, he finds the sheets and starts talking to me about a test that is coming up soon.  I placed my hands firmly on the wheel, sat up straight again and took a quick peek at his seat belt to be sure he was buckled in.  Worry washed over me again.

He kicked off a shoe and tilted the chair back a bit, smiling and talking about the class and the test.  And then it hit me, all of sudden, that he was not worried at all.  He was not stressed by road and the dangerous ice.  He was not wondering if we would ever get home.  He was calm and peaceful and talking and trusting... even in the midst of such turmoil and tension.

And for a quick minute I could see something clearer... a reminder... a truth... a picture... that comforted me then and comforts me now and reminds me of how life is supposed to be.  Because my boy sitting next to me felt totally safe because he trusted me to handle what was happening around us.  My boy knew he could do what he needed to do and that someone was keeping him safe.

And maybe you never forget.  Sometimes though, I do.  Sometimes, I think I have to handle it all... and sometimes I believe that the person who is keeping me safe and watching the road is me.

But, on that snowy and slippery drive home from his game, my son reminded me that if I trust, if I believe, if I release my need to handle it myself, I can relax and remember that The One in control needs be The One who loves me best.  I can be free then to do what I need to do knowing that I am safe.

I need to trust Him, to trust God, with my family, my work, my worries, my safety... I need to trust Him to work in and for my life... and trust Him to do it better than I ever could.

And if I do that... if I trust Our God... then I can tilt my head, look carefully about, and see all that is majestic around.  His hand of mercy creating beauty in nature, in His people, in my family, in...

I miss so much trying to manage the drive...

Blessings on your day.

Managing Media and Raising my Kids: Part One

My sweet boy called me upstairs with a question.  He needed to talk.  So up I went into what might be better described as a gentle confrontation... but one that was necessary at the time.  With all his tween-y confidence, he put his hand on my shoulder and told me we needed to talk about media... TV, movies, video games and the like... and our boundaries with such things.  I held my breath.

When my babies were born, I remember feeling this need to protect them.  I remember seeing the world from a whole new view and wondering about things I had never considered before.  I remember wanting to keep them safe... not just in body but in heart, mind, spirit.  I remember feeling overwhelmed with the task and wondering how we could protect and teach our children so that they would be ready to meet the world.

At first, the choices were easy.  Given the choice of Rugrats or Little Bear, we chose Little Bear.  Then, they got a bit harder... We noticed things that had not previously mattered to us and wondered if they would matter to our children.  In the Lion King, the dad dies a horrible death.  How old would they need to be before they saw that scene?  Scooby-Doo has scary themes.  Some shows were just dumb.  Some were so mouthy.  Some were amazing...

We wrestled with the same ideas when it came to reading books.  Reading Goodnight, Moon was classic.  Sharing The Lion, The Witch and Wardrobe was necessary.  Walking with tears through the end of Charlotte's Web was wonderful.  But what about other books?  Books made from tv shows or current movies... books that had little to offer... books that had difficult themes?

All of it was hard.  Parenting with intentionality can be like that. The issue was not that we wanted to shelter them.  It was, instead, a deep desire to expose them to what the world would offer at a time that was appropriate for them.  The truth is that I know my babies best.  And I have always tried to have a sense of what would make them laugh or break their hearts or make them wonder so that I can meet them in that place.  Not to stop it.  Not to prevent it.  But to walk with them through it, if need be.  To think together, to laugh together, to discern together... I wanted to be there to teach them what they needed to learn... and I wanted media to support that desire.

But, how is that really done?  When my kids are exposed to so many things all day long... at school, on the internet, in commercials, in print... the whole thing is really difficult.

One of the things I would love to do this year, is think about this together.  I would love to throw out some things we have tried and hear about what works for you.  Because in the world today, kids see an awful lot. And some it changes who they are... sometimes in a way that is beautiful and good... and sometimes in a way that is broken and hard.  So what can we do to help direct our families through this ever-growing media maze?  How can we protect their hearts without sheltering them from reality?

From the time my kids could understand, we have told them we would be careful.  We have regularly said that we want to choose mindfully what they see, hear, read, watch because once an image or concept goes into their sweet little selves, we cannot get it back out.  Does this mean we want to keep them from all things current culture?  Not at all.  It simply means I want us all, even Mark and I, to think through this things carefully and not just follow whatever is hot and whatever is new in media today.

What about you?  How do you choose what your kids can see, read, play, listen to?  Throughout this year, let's process through this together.  Let's look at movies, at choices, at books and video games and talk together about how we choose what we release to our children and when.  Because, that part... the when... it matters an awful lot.  What we thought was okay for our kiddos at 8 cannot be where we stop.  Our managing of media is constantly in flux because our kids are growing up.  Makes this a tricky topic...

The truth is, we are constantly working this through.  And sometimes I think we are doing okay... and sometimes, my tween calls me upstairs because I am totally missing the mark.  So, for today... share a bit of direction here.  How do you choose what is okay for your kids?  Do you have a site you rely on for direction?  A rule for your kids to remember?

Leave a comment and let's start thinking.  The next post on media will focus on movies!

Blessings on your day!

Snow, Expectations and Trust...

If you ask anyone in the Midwest about the weather, you are sure to hear a strong opinion.  Living here, we  have little option but to embrace the seasons find something to look forward to in whatever is coming next.  While I know plenty of folks who detest Chicago winters,  I am not among them.  Once the leaves have fallen from the trees in the woods near my home, I know it is time for snow.  Having lived in this area forever, the ebb and flow of warm and cold is a rhythm that lends familiarity to my life.  I rarely complain about whatever the season... until this year.

This weather is driving me nuts.  To date, we have had less than 2 inches of snow total and most days the temperature hovers around 40 degrees... most definitely not normal for a Chicago winter! There was news coverage yesterday of people golfing and playing tennis outdoors.  In January.  In the Midwest.  The lack of precipitation was most evident during the holidays when the grass in my yard was actually beginning to green!  In an effort to offer a feeling of winter to my family, I sprayed "snow" from a can on all our windows on Christmas Eve so we awoke to seasonal scene!  Yep, it is just plain driving me nuts.

I think so much of my frustration has to do with expectations.  In September, we decorated with apples and pumpkins.  In November, we added turkeys and cornucopias.  As fall progressed, I used my crock-pot more, made heartier meals and watched the world outside blossom into reds, oranges and browns.  The leaves fell away and I knew what would come next.  It is a gift, really... the beauty of snow blanketing the drab brown of trees gone dormant and leaves blown away.  I held my breath.  I could do nothing.  And what I expected never actually occurred.

Sometimes, expectations are like that.  We know what is supposed to happen next.  We anxiously expect that arrival.  And sometimes things go according to plan.  And sometimes they do not.

Sounds a lot like parenting, doesn't it?  As we walk through the seasons of raising our family, we live with the pressure of what is expected.  A smooth labor.  A healthy baby.  An easy adjustment to nursing.  Milestones met on time.  A peaceful family. An organized adoption.  Children who grow in faith.  Patience in parenting.  Time for your spouse.  Supportive family and friends.  Sufficient resources.  Great education.  Healthy friendships for our kids.  Kids who grow up.  Kids who go to college.  Kids who get married.  Grand-kids.

We expect the path to follow the way we think it should go.  We believe that the expecting is what will make it so.  Except, parenting... and life... rarely follows the path we expect.  And, I don't know about you... but in all honesty, it can drive me a little nuts.  Because no matter how hard we work, no matter how hard we try, no matter how much we strive, life doesn't usually work out that way.

So, here is the point where you think I will tie this up... neatly with a little bow.  But, how honest would that be, really?  Because disappointment from lost expectations is nothing that anyone should make neat.  When your family is broken, you lose a child, you struggle with parenting, your marriage is rocky, your finances are a mess, your extended family is absent, your kids are ill, or you are lost in the missing of what you thought would come your way, it hurts.  It leaves questions, frustration, confusion and sadness.  At least it does for me.  There are no words that can make that right...

There are a lot of things that I do not know... but this I have found to be true.  Sometimes... not always... but sometimes, the-thing-that-comes-instead can be awfully sweet, too.  Unexpected.  Hard-won.  Beautiful.  And without the loss, we would have missed it altogether.  It may not make it better... but I think it makes it different.  And different is not all bad.

For the first time this season, we are expecting a snow storm in Chicago.  I don't know if it will actually come but maybe it will.  I will wait to wash the spray-snow off the windows... but somewhere deep inside me, I am harboring a bit of hope.  Not hope in the snow.  Hope in the One who makes it.  Hope in the One who holds this crazy weather, and my sweet family, smack in the palm of His hand.  Because I can expect whatever I want, but maybe I need to learn to trust... trust that it might not look like I thought... trust that my kids will all be okay... trust that my family will find it's way... trust.

Letting go of expectations is hard. Learning to trust is too.  But, I am grateful to know that we can be blanketed in beauty even in the midst of the battle.

Blessings on your day.

Something to Try for the Weekend

Letting our kids see the silly side can help us to build helpful connections.  Take time this weekend to play with abandon, even for a few minutes, with those you love so well!

Blessings on your weekend!  

Carpooling and Surprised by Grace

Sometimes, I am still surprised.  I know that people say that the world is cruel place, that we have to be careful, that we should not go off trusting people willy-nilly.  And so sometimes, I am surprised to find that much of this distrust is unnecessary and much of it is false.

Noah started high school this year and made the soccer team as well.  Our days and nights are full and carefully planned.  There are games and practices and activities and things that draw his attention and ours.  And while all of this is shiny and new, the lives of our other three children are brimming over with things that are new to them.  One is learning to read on a brand new level.  Another is finding the balance needed when homework increases and friends abound.  Another is juggling middle school demands with academic expectations and all of it is important to them... and to us.

As we planned for fall, it became evident that we could not be at everything for everyone.  A tricky thing for us since we have tried, thus far, to be present at those things our kids take on.  So, we jumped into a car-pool and  Noah found himself driving to and from games with 4 of his buddies and one of their folks.  In this group, we take our turn.  Now, truth be told, I was thrilled that we could find a group that was willing to share this load with us.  The decision, at the outset, was practical and good.  So, imagine my surprise when it became far more than that.

Imagine my surprise when a mom comments on my son's character in a way that brings grateful tears to my momma-eyes.  Imagine my surprise when it is my day to drive carpool and another mom offers to take my little ones so they do not have to spend so much time in the van.  Imagine my surprise when being present at a game will keep me from picking up another child from school and yet another mom steps up and offers her home for him to hang out in until one of us can pick him up.  Imagine...

The list can go on and on and I find myself humbled and grateful to be so regularly surprised.

Sometimes, I think we allow ourselves to feel all alone in the world.  Sometimes, we lock our doors and peer out the windows assuming that what is found on the other side is dark and scary and bad.  We assume that those who draw close are planning to take from us in some way and we allow this fear to push us away from reaching out.  And maybe, we have been hurt.  Maybe, you have found that there are those who do not seek to help, who do not speak words of encouragement, who are hard or selfish or mean...

But, here is what I am learning this year... I am learning that what I expect has a lot to do with what I see.  And I am learning that there are good people around me who help because they choose to help.  And I am learning that being near them makes me expect more from myself... makes me want to offer more to others... makes me navel-gaze a little less and look around to see what I can offer to those who are sitting beside me.    Because the truth is, there is a lot of good out there... but we have a part to play as well.

Last week, I found myself across the table from a dear, old friend.  She listened as I told about my work as a speaker and a writer.  After a few minutes, she leaned back and said, "I can totally see you doing this.  You have always been able to talk to a crowd and communicate well."  She went on to reflect on things she has seen in me over many years of friendship.  Her kind words washed over me and, all over again, I was lost in the wonder of kindness.  I was reminded how it matters what we do.  I was reminded that it matters what we say.  And I was reminded, deeply, that the work we do as mommas can leave us hungry for such affirmation.

So today, let's look around a bit.  Let's look at those around us in a brand new way and let God nudge us in the way we should go.  Let's be open to lending a hand, offering a compliment, and being a wave of needed grace in the life of someone nearby.  Because the world is what we make of it... and finding a way to connect to others and allow them to do the same makes it an awfully sweet place to be.  We have the chance, today, to be the hands and voice of God to the people He dearly loves.

It's strange to me to think that those who have taught me these lessons just might read this blog.  I think they will wonder why their kindness strikes me... it seems to be so much a part of how they are wired.  So, if that is you, just know this... Kindness matters and for all your gentle words and times of conversation, for all your offers of help and time spent driving, for all you are teaching me and for all you offer my boy, thank you.  Thank you. It is in the ordinary living of life in community that I am reminded of the richness of grace.

Blessings on your day.

Bittersweet Beginnings

I am not sure how it happened but somewhere along the way, I realized that beginning a new school year causes me to look at my children in a way that trumps other touchstones, including their birthdays.  To launch from the lazy, hazy days of summer into a brand new grade, causes this momma to stand still a moment and watch.  And truth be told, that watching often happens from behind unfallen tears.  Beautiful days of bittersweet, it seems...

Yes, we are back to school.  Summer has officially closed and lunchboxes are packed and new schedules litter my dining room table.   My four babies are off to brand new worlds and brand new teachers and almost overnight, they each are growing up.

Elizabeth began second grade and while we know the teacher well (all the boys had her as too), it will be a different walk for our sweet girl.  She will learn to love reading in that room and will make new friends and all of it makes me realize how big she has become.  Our baby girl is learning to do so many new things.

Josiah started third grade and this year always holds a weight for me.  It is a year of transition, a year of development and I know that the sweet, snuggly boy who has been right by my side for his whole life is beginning a new journey of independence.  So much happens in this year... the last year of the younger grades... And to make the transition even more powerful, the first day of school was also Josiah's 9th birthday. I still have him and miss him nonetheless.

Benjamin began 7th grade and his first year of middle school without Noah nearby.  This holds blessings for him but is a strange thought, too.  He will play soccer without Noah, run cross-country without Noah, start track, try out for the play and do so many things that they did side by side last year.  His (and our) feelings are mixed.  It is is nice to have your own space but it sure was amazing to see them doing so many amazing things together.

And then... perhaps the biggest transition of all... Noah started his freshman year.  I am quite sure that no birthday he has ever celebrated has grown him so quickly as walking through the high school doors.  He is playing soccer for his school and taking amazing classes and all of it makes me smile and swell with pride. He talks with us about history and college and teammates and friends and lessons and... well... my first born baby is really, really growing up.

Now the house has fallen quiet and the dog and I wait for the end of each day when they all come home and we collapse together at the dinner table to share our stories and experiences and questions together.  And much like you, I find my quiet is haunted with happy memories of summer and childhood and sprinklers and stories that make me smile with a lump in my throat.  Because all that they are and were swirls here in the silence... all that I know of my four sweet kids is real and present and treasured today.  And as the new school year begins, we will find ourselves discovering new things and my babies will keep growing and I will keep wondering where all the time has gone.

Maybe that is a little bitter-sweet.  But my eyes are on the latter...

May you sense the sweet today.

Blessings on your day.

Tiger Mother? Hmmm....

Mark and I were still awake last night when Nightline did an interview with Amy Chua who has come to fame recently for her book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. A review of the book was printed in the New York Times last week.

I am a woman who takes parenting very seriously. I try to be intentional and seek to approach this important work from a place that allows me to see that these four sweet children are gifts and that I have a limited time to help them grow toward the people they are going to become. Sometimes I do okay at that, sometimes I fail miserably. I have to admit, I listened to the interview carefully. The thought of a book that might tell the story of another momma like me will pique my interest every time.

I listened carefully to the stories shared by Ms. Chua, to the questions asked her by JuJu Chan. In short order, I became uncomfortable. There are a lot of ways to approach parenting... a lot of ways that can work... but when Ms. Chua spoke about expecting better hand-made birthday cards from her children, it made me a little sad. But, I needed to keep listening.

A lot of the conversation around Ms. Chua's book focuses on the difference between Asian and Western parenting. There ARE differences between these approaches but the truth is that there are differences between how I parent and how my friends parent and how my family living in and out of this country parent. We all approach this work in a way that is individual and unique. I have hopes and dreams for my family that really might not matter to you. So, I parent to meet those goals. You have your own thoughts about it all and seek to do the same thing.

In addition to this, I carry with me experiences from my own life that inform the decisions I make for my family. There are things I know, things I have lived, things that I feel are important for my children to either understand better or be protected from. You can judge my work here but because you have not lived my experiences, you may misunderstand my motives. We do that a lot to one another... I have done it, too. But in judging the mothering of another, we miss the opportunity to learn from what she is doing. We miss the chance to see a place where our own life with our families can be strengthened, stretched, supplemented by what someone else might know.

The Tiger Mother concept made me uncomfortable, this is the truth. But, as I felt a wall rise in my mind, I was missing a chance to learn something new. In this case, she was FAR more structured in her mothering than I am in mine. While I do not want to torture my children through music rehearsals, I do think that I could approach that in a way that is more "no nonsense" than I currently do. Necessary tasks happen in her home in a way that they do not in mine. Where I experience frustration, she has created an organizational, disciplined approach that works better than our family's way. I can learn from this and yet important point and let some other aspects go.

As we learn about other approaches, we can pick and choose elements that would benefit our families. Releasing our need to judge may allow us to see things in a different light. I can look at the story told by Ms. Chua and release some of it while incorporating other pieces into our life at home. I can respect her work and also remember that there are things that I believe are important to us. I can take her words as a challenge to adjust but remember that raising my kids in a warm environment matters, as well. My kids need to grow and develop into the people they will become, but I know that life is not a checklist of experiences as much as a journey stored-up. As they learn and struggle and mature, I may need to be strict but I also want to be loving. Pieces of Tiger Mothering might enhance what I offer my kids.

That said, I want to remember that it is HARD to grow up. It is hard to learn, to have limited choices, to be less powerful than the grown-ups that are always around. It is hard to become independent, hard to grow in faith, hard to find your way in a world that can be confusing at best. As my four sweet babies walk this path, a part of me wants to hold their feet to the fire and expect them to do well. But, as my four sweet babies walk this path, I also want to open my arms and pull them in close and love on them as they work it through.

In the end, the way I choose to parent my children has an awful lot to do with what I want them to know of the world. I cannot change the struggle they will face. I cannot save them from that pain. Both of these things have a purpose in their lives and keeping them from it essentially keeps them from themselves, from who they will grow to be. But, I can effect how they see it. I can effect how they feel when they find themselves lost and afraid. I can help my children know that when the path is rocky, when life is not what they thought it would be, they have somewhere to go to process that. I can help them to know that, on their very worse day, they do not have to walk alone. I can shower them with love and teach them daily about the The One Who Loves Them Best.

Last night, I learned that I do not want to be a true Tiger Mother, at least not to the extent that Ms. Chua is. That said, I am glad it worked for her and I am thankful for the nuggets of truth tucked into that book that can help me to do a better job. I am not sure what animal I would claim to describe the work I do... though in the end, I think I would rather not be limited by the characteristics of one creature. I would rather think of it terms of what is needful.... what my children need most right now. Today it might be "Teddy Bear", tomorrow it might be "Tiger"... and next week it might be another animal altogether. As a mom to my four, I want the freedom to give them what I believe they need right now. I want to offer structure, opportunity, education and affection. I want to look into their eyes and feel prepared to engage them where they are. Because not only do I love my kids, but I love being their momma, too. I love their sleep faces in the morning, their silly play in the day and their freshly-washed heads at night. I love catching glimpses of their gifts and watching them wrestle their weaknesses. I love the day-to-day walking through this world, the feel of their hands in mine, the knowledge that we do it together.

And I love that they know all of that... that they can go to sleep tonight knowing I am in it with them, for the good and the bad, for the easy and the hard, for the laughter and tears. They do not walk alone.

Hmmm... I guess that explains it best. Today, I choose to be a human momma to my human babies. I choose to be a creature who values and nurtures relationship... not to the exclusion of structure or discipline... but in a way that allows those things to blossom. I choose to discipline and teach my babies with my arm around their shoulders and a tear in both our eyes. Because it is that very thing that sets us apart from so many other creatures.

I have a lot yet left to learn... but I am grateful to have this place to stand. I am momma, hear me roar? Naaaah... Not me.

Blessings on your day.